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Today I sobbed under the shower. It is a lovely Thursday morning, my 4 year old son is at school and my 8 month baby daughter is at the daycare. We got them ready in the morning, my husband brought them and continued to his work. I had an antibiotics pill, then a silent breakfast and could rest a bit more. It was a good day and then it got me.. the memory of one of our last happy days before meningitis. I write it now and tears are difficult to hold back. I even have a photo of me with the two of them, my baby nursing and my son hugging both of us. A lovely moment. I knew I had to take a photo of us cause it was such a precious moment. I’m so thankful I did.

When I returned home, after two weeks in the hospital, I did try to breastfeed my baby girl again but it was too much, too difficult for both of us. She was confused and hurt and I was confused and broken.

Breastfeeding has been so important for me and my son and the first six months of my daughter’s life. And yet I convince myself that it is ok now, she is happy with the formula milk and we still get to hug and sing, she still sleeps in my arms and most importantly she still has a mother. I am alive. It’s just that sometimes the pain of this sudden separation becomes more clear, more sharp and among the other things I went through these last months, this is also hurting me.

I am happy and thankful that I am alive. I am happy and thankful to God that he brought me back to my husband and children. I am happy and thankful that I can walk again, talk again, breath and smile. I am thankful that I can now shower unassisted. But still the burden of this excruciating illness is here. The hearing loss is always here-thankfully only from the one ear. The weakness is here. The different looks on other people’s faces are here.

Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

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lovely wishes at my hospital room

I cried today in the shower. And my soul needed it. A cleansing from inside. Water and tears. I can go on, I know I can.